In 2003, a good college friend had presented a speech to fellow peers pertaining to Love. Now what he was talking about at that time in my life made sense and were wise words. Did I understand it? To a certain extent but not entirely. What he did say that stuck with me for long time was that "Love is Life. It is what we live for, how we continue to do what we do. And LIFE is Love, it is Infatuation, it is Friendship, and it is Exploitation." Pretty deep right?
How was I to understand the meaning of these words at such a young age? I couldn't have possibly, it would take many more years in between with so many events happening in order for me to understand. Between that time to now many events happened. My grandpa, who means so much to me, passed, along with my cousin I have always looked up to. My family was falling apart with my parents separated, to my sister ending up in social services and a family dispute that was not getting any better. I was battling with my own demons of coping with the loss to the overwhelming status of my family weighing heavily on my mind. It pushed me into heavy drinking and carelessness right into attempted suicide. Things got a little better and I met my first love, and before I knew it a few years later that fell apart with a law suit on my head pushing me into depression and relapsing into alcohol and drug abuse.
I was looking for an outlet but had too much pride to ask for it. Every day I died a little, going about my day just doing enough to get through. I know God has never abandoned me in my dark times because he did send people who have helped me through the worst times because they themselves were looking for the light as well. These guys are a still a part of my life today and yes we struggle through undoing our past but we walk through it together. One day, a few months ago, I woke up and took a deep fresh breath of life and figured, it's time to stop dying and start living.
Yes, everyone has got problems and my problems are not as bad as other's. I did get help in the most humblest of ways. Having my friend just sit with me in the wee hours of the night into the morning without saying a word, just being there was enough. To my other friend dragging me out to places so that I won't lock myself in with a bottle. These blessings came in small packages but have changed my life dramatically. One thing I did have to do on my own was pray. I didn't fail on praying during my darkest times. God I am grateful to you for all that I do have in my life today.
Today, since I decided to stop dying and start living, I have met many more wonderful people that I deliberately almost missed out on. So much to life that I may have let slip by me. I discovered so much about myself that I didn't know before and I am more at home in my skin than I ever was. God has answered our prayers by mending the differences in my family, and though it is still a work in progress, my parents have moved here to live with me along with my sister and brother. My grandma also moved here to live with family as well. It truly has been a blessing, and though we don't have the big house yet, or the nice cars, I am satisfied with what I do have now. Love, and lots of it, adding on to blessings with my older brother and his wife and children, his young family!
Yeah, life has been a tough journey and I don't expect that its over yet. But come what may, with every step and breath I pray more and more everyday that I can get through the obstacles with grace. If not then to learn from them as they dissolve themselves. Love, I got a lot of it, smothered in a lot of it from family and friends. Infatuation, times that I was infatuated with things that aren't, but learning that sometimes when you put your hands on the fire you will get burned. Friendship, the true color of friendship does not judge you for who you are, is not afraid to tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear it, and knows when to be there for you even when there are no words exchanged. Exploitation, know that when you love deeply with all your heart all things good and bad will be exposed and that there will be those who will use that to their benefit.
We live and we learn. My life is a comedy as much as it is a blessing. Everything around me entertains and amuses me, and the most best conversations I have had have been found in the most oddest of places. Opportunities continuously fall before me right into an encounter with a psychic that advised me to "speak my truth" more. Funny, I have so much to say but they come jumbled and I am trying to sort them all out still. As full as my platter is, I know that my calling is to serve. I hold many titles that I don't find pleasure in, a simple thank you can go a far way with me. I'm not materialistic so forgive me if I don't respond enthused. But it took me a long time to debate on sharing my story with you. I hope that where ever you are, who ever you are, what you are going through at this moment, don't give up. Though you may feel that no one is praying for you or is there physically there for you, I am praying for you and am showering you with unconditional love. Even if you are a stranger that I have never met.
Hang in there you will see, things will take a turn. You just have to believe that they will.
Feel free to contact me if you must. I try to check my email as much as possible but if not message me here. Be blessed in all that you do!
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